break break break, not going to break in front of anyone, going to hide and run and it’ll be alright if I can get to the garden without anyone seeing. grin grin grin cheese is of the essence, yes jokey joke I’m laughing we’re laughing no NO NO conversation not going to happen pretend not to hear laugh twist shimmy past shit where’s my bag the deck the deck shit it’s on the deck and I can’t go without it I’ll have to go back for it my bra’s in it damn when did so many people arrive it’s like a rave in here with all the sweat and the cloy and the stink of beer and everyone’s spilling.
              drinks and emotions and secrets and the place is rank with it, there’s thick steam pouring off the floor and the crowd and there’s a guy in front of me and he’s drenched and pinging and he’s so far off his tits he seems normal, but for the sheen on him, and the fact that he’s perfectly quiet and sane in the middle of this.
              and this and why the hell did I even come here and the hash-butter was a bad idea, bearable first waves but now they’re getting stronger and fuck fuck fuck I do a shot at a bar on a table island in the crowd and it tastes like liquorice and mint and it’s green and it feels like my neck is on melting on the inside and running in drippy rivulets to the pit of my stomach to party. bang bang bang bang thoof-doof-roar the floor is shuddering underfoot and I see something interesting and the song changes.
              don’t want to leave I want to dance til my feet bleed and I’ve danced to the  deck but I want to talk to people talk to those people over there with the tie-died shirts and they look like hippies but no one’s really a hippy these days they just dress like them and smoke weed on the weekends and in real life they go to school and do concert band and higher mathematics and holy shit giggles fuck I don’t need a bong half the stuff hasn’t hit me but it’ll be funny and that guy there looks kinda hot even if there is some skanky little hooker hanging off him whatever I take a hit and pass it to the next person and ring-a-ring-a-rosie it’s at the skank and she’s acting like she doesn’t know how to do it and I bet she does she sucks bongs and dick every weekend but when she lowers her mouth to it she looks into my eyes and she’s terrified beyond words and she’s never done this before and she’s never had anything to drink but she’s been drinking red wine from a pint-glass and very soon she’s going to be the easyunlucky skank I thought she was, even though her parents are supposed to be collecting her from a friends house soon and in this moment of prophetic clarity me and this girl are one, we’re fucking ONE and I reach out and gouge her soul with a fingernail because I can and she gasps and chokes as the wet smoke rushes into her virgin lungs and then she spasms and coughs and blasts bong water everywhere and I’m laughing my fucking head off before it’s even landed on the guy next to me and he’s laughing and his eyes are infra-red and bleeding a bit at the edges and I don’t wanna know what he’s on and I laugh still as I grab skank and drag her by the wrist down off the deck into the yard where the silence is cold and there’s vomity-bits and the grass is slick with piss and we slide our way down to the fence and I turn her to me and say
             _look what the fuck do you think you’re doing you can’t just drink everything that gets thrown at you and if you’re going to act like a skank at least do it on your terms, you’ve got to slut your stuff so bad they’re hanging off YOU, and if you coughed off that bong don’t touch anything else except wine and for christsake don’t get yourself fucked when you’re this far off it_
             and I’m strangely lucid now as the absinthe (green shit fuck I should have known) kicks in and she’s nodding like she understands but a little patronisingly so I slap her pretty hard in the head and she lurches back and then vomits all over this big shiny rock garden.
             _that’ll be a bastard to clean_
             and we’re both laughing and she’s thanking me and we’re heading back to the party and I’ve decided I’m going to go get fucked loudly in the room next door to that bastard and that bitch he introduced me to and maybe I’ll find one of his friends and god I’m going to enjoy this and I’ve buried my sober sanity and –